The Hater App: What You Need to Know

Dating apps are like weeds – get rid of one, and three more pop up in its place.

I deleted Dine, the app that (falsely) promises more first dates and less pointless texting, because 1) it has so few users they kept sending me the same people, and 2) most of the guys who asked me out were 19-26 years old, even though I’d set my minimum age to 35. I’m legitimately tired of being treated like a CWILF (Childless Woman I’d Like to Fuck) and am looking for an actual relationship, not a romp in the playpen with a curious Baby-Man.

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Eyes and Ears Open, Legs Closed

Eyes and ears open, legs closed.

That was supposed to be my dating motto for 2017, but so far it’s been more legs open, eyes closed. (Not sure how helpful my ears are as I know now that nothing men say on a date – especially a first date – can be trusted. I need some kind of filtration system between my ears and my heart so when I hear what they say, I don’t believe it.)

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An Open Letter to My Latest Date, Part II

At least your apartment was clean; I’ll give you that. I’m not a fan of going back to guys’ apartments. I’d much rather bring a guy back to my place and be in my own environment (read: control freak) than risk the unknown (and likely visible pubes in the bathroom) in his.

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An Open Letter to My Latest Date

Dear ____ (you know who you are),

First off, starting a dinner date with a story about a condom slipping off and taking the girl to get Plan B is not a good opening anecdote, regardless of the fact that you told the story in the context of Aziz Ansari’s Netflix series, “Master of None.” You brought up Aziz and immediately segued into your uncomfortable story.

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Date Like a Dog

When you think about dogs and dating, you probably think of phrases like “All men are dogs.” But I’m not about to bash men, or dogs. First off, why do we call bad behavior acting like a dog? This is as much of a misnomer as using “pussy” as a term for weakness, as in “Stop acting like a pussy.” Dogs are loyal, sweet and dependable. Which brings me to my revelation.

Lokum

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