Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

I was out with a guy I discovered I wasn’t really interested in once we met up, and not just because he’d lied about his height and was probably four inches shorter than me. Towards the end of the date he suggested we play a round of “Three Questions.” We would each get to ask each other three questions, and we had to answer honestly.


Fine. I was not enjoying myself that much, and he’d made one awkward attempt to kiss me in the middle of a bar filled with people younger than us that I’d managed to forestall, so playing the game was a good alternative to dodging unwanted public kisses.

His questions started off innocently enough. Did I see myself settling down and getting married? Considering I’d been searching for the right man since I’d split up with my ex-fiancé when I was 26, that was easy to answer honestly, and with one word: “Yes.”

He pitched me a couple softballs like that, then segued into where his true interest lay.

His first semi-inappropriate question: “Are you kinky?”

“That depends on what your definition of kinky is,” I responded. It was an honest answer, not just a dodge. One person’s kinky is another person’s vanilla. Fortunately, as he elaborated, his definition of kinky was rather vanilla.

I was okay with that question, even though it was a stupid thing to ask me on a first date.

Things went wrong when we got into round two of the game. It was then that he asked one of the three questions a man should should never ask a woman on a date, especially a first date: “What’s your favorite sexual position?”

“One, that’s none of your business,” I responded. “And two, if it ever becomes relevant, you’ll find out then.”

The latter part was not a quick comeback but, unfortunately, an oft-spoken reply, as I’ve been asked that question by more men than I care to count.

He whined that I was cheating. The rules of the game said I had to answer honestly.

“Why do you want to know? We haven’t even kissed,” I answered, slightly rubbing in his face the fact that he’d been unable to successfully pull off a move in the bar.

“So I know what you like . . . for the future.”

“If it ever becomes relevant for you, you can find out then,” I repeated.

It never would, and he never would, that I knew.

Which brings me to my point. Men, please! The following questions should be excised from your dating conversation:

  1. What’s your favorite sexual position?
  2. When was the last time you had sex?
  3. How many guys have you been with?

You’d think it would go without saying that these are extremely inappropriate and offensive questions for a date, much less a first date, yet I’ve been asked all of them multiple times by multiple men.

Men, when you ask any of the above, this is what it says: I only want to have sex with you, not get to know you, and I’m interested in doing so as fast as possible.

When you ask when the last time I had sex was, are you implying that if it’s been awhile I’ll sleep with you ASAP to get my dry spell over with? And if it hasn’t been awhile, I’m such a dirty slut that clearly I’ll screw you immediately? Of the three should-never-asks above, this is the question I’ve been asked the most.

When you ask what my favorite sexual position is, I can guarantee you’re never going to find out for yourself. The only time you should be asking a woman this is if you are already in the middle of having sex and you want to get her into her favorite position. You don’t need to prepare ahead of time.

When you ask how many guys I’ve been with, I’m honestly not even sure what you’re driving at, but whatever it is, I know I don’t like it. If it seems like a lot to you, does that make you think your chances of getting me in bed are better? If it seems like not many, does that mean you’ll like me more because you’ve decided I’m not a slut?

Let’s be clear: You are uncouth for asking me. I’m not a slut regardless of how many guys I’ve slept with, when the last time I had sex was, and what my favorite position is. The entire concept of sluttiness is predicated on an antiquated, sexist view of sexuality in which the more conquests a man has, the more studly he is, and the more partners a woman has (they aren’t considered “conquests” when you’re a lady), the more tarnished she becomes. It’s 2016, and yet this thinking still underpins so much of how we relate as men and women.

Enough is enough, men. Just don’t ask.

And ladies, if they do ask, for God’s sake, don’t tell.

Date over.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. OMG! Aren’t there any men looking for more than a romp in the hay? What ever happen to propriety? If that is all they want then the only question, which also shouldn’t be asked on a first or second date, or even a first or second phone call, is “Are you up for a romp in the hay?” Speaking of hay, seems like finding a FPM is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Pretty difficult. But if you throw enough hay to the side, the shinny silver sliver will appear. Keep weeding through the hay. He’ll be there!

  2. This sounds like the kind of “20 questions” game that might be played by giggly, very inexperienced (probably virginal) high school kids who are trying to be sexually edgy. “Ohhhh, sexual positions and kink — so naughty!”

    This man is a child. Next!

  3. That’s a great point and really important. It is possible that some of these guys weren’t even trying to pigeon-hole you as slut vs. desperate, maybe some of them just want to get you talking about sex. Either way, totally gross.

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